by Amy E. Well
A precocious, five year old little girl ran up to her Dad as he was driving away. The normal routine was that he would pull up, open the door and let her climb in. They would go to the store for the day’s milk for their family of nine. This day was different and she was told for the first time that she could not go. She chased his car for two blocks as he waved his hand out the window shouting: “Go home. I will be right back. I’m going to get milk.” That was the last time she saw her Dad for five years.
She asked: “What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t he love me? What if I had been better? What if I had loved him more?” She was told: “You shouldn’t hurt, your Dad loves you, he didn’t leave you, he left your mom.” The little girl became a woman trapped with the “stinkin thinkin” of the rejected and abandoned child, who thought she shouldn’t hurt, and it was all her fault. Every man who chose her, beat her and emotionally abused her and she took it. After all, it was her fault and she shouldn’t hurt. While on the other hand, everyman she chose; she stomped on his heart. She walked out of four engagements, as she had become just like her dad. Author, J. Rothschild states that, “The root of wrong thinking is always a faulty assumption. The root of right thinking is based on truth.” Psychologist, author, friend, and public speaker, Dominic Herbst has developed four simple yet profound steps that will walk us into a state of emotional healing.
In order to receive healing and validation, we are to be truthful with ourselves by admitting how, and by whom we were hurt. For the first step, “we are to write an autobiography that outlines our worst and most painful memories.” At this point I had to walk out of denial and be truthful with the fact that my Dad did leave me and it did hurt.
The next half of this step is to read the autobiography to somebody, which validates our right to feel, and know that we do matter. When I did this step, my heart became invested and I felt the pain of abandonment for the first time in over thirty years, rather than repress it, as I was directed as a child. I didn’t know how to grieve, but I knew, based on Dominic’s teachings, that I had to walk through the grieving process to let this go.
In the second step, Dominic Herbst lays out a series of assignments that allow us to confront our offenders, (even in their absence), as well as take personal accountability for any unforgiveness, or offensive behavior we may have done in retaliation for the hurt, either to innocent bystanders or to our offender. The first part of step two is to write a letter to our offender(s). Because this is where the lie began, it is very important to write “exactly how we felt at the time of the offense.”
Next, we are to read the letter to a counselor, or in a small group. It’s important right here to understand that our healing is not predicated on our offender, after all, he may be dead, or may no longer be in our life, or according to Drs’ Cloud & Townsend, “he may not be a safe person”, meaning he may hurt us further if for example, “he denies the offense or blames it on us.” This is the step that allowed me personally to rewrite the memory from a little girl who was not allowed face the pain, to a woman who began to feel vindicated from the false guilt and blame that I held for having all the hurt inside of me. Because the threat of harm to me, was embedded in my mind from being the child who was almost beat to death when I told of a pain one time, I physically shook as I read this letter. By reading with a safe person, I began to become confident about confronting. I finally get angry for what was done to me. Years of thinking that just being good, no matter what was done to me, was the way to handle all conflict, were erased and replaced with the truth: I am neither a child, nor a victim any longer. I learned that getting angry was not a bad thing and it was this step that walked me into the truth.
In an interview I asked Speaker Philip Fortenberry: What keeps people from seeking emotional healing? He said, “Most of them don’t recognize their need for it. They are instead pointing their finger at their offenders, so they never recognize that they are a part of their own problem and it’s their own bitterness that holds them captive.” This leads me to the last part of step two. In this part we are to write a letter taking accountability and ask for forgiveness. At this point people ask, how am I accountable for what was done to me as a child? Some people may detach and retaliate through alcohol, drugs, defensiveness, prejudice, close-mindedness, perfectionism, overachieving, or even porno for example. Personally, I had to admit that I was retaliating in rage, through detachment from my feelings, and from relationships, and I had to seek forgiveness for the bitterness that I was blind too.
The third step outlined by D. Herbst, requires a purposeful decision of our will to let go of our feelings of bitterness and rage which will reconcile our heads to our hearts, thereby gaining power over our destructive behavior which resulted from our undealt with wounds. Certain offenses such as ridicule, scorn, sexual abuse, neglect, and isolation, will bruise us to the point that our human spirit feels totally defeated. To overcome this Dominic suggests we sign a forgiveness covenant. This was the stage that finally allowed me to surrender the fear and react from the truth, rather than from the past.
The final step by Dominic Herbst can be reached by processing through the three previous steps that allows us to walk into healthy relationships and into inner peace. For me, my friendships changed from superficial, to real and intimate fellowship. I reconciled safe relationships and was able to separate the truth from the lies. I finally saw that not everything was black and white, (all good or all bad) but that by human nature, no man was perfect. I stopped categorizing and generalizing humans in this way. I see that even safe people make stupid mistakes at times. I am no longer hyper sensitive and I understand that when someone attacks, it may not be all about me and I have a choice of whether or not to remain in the relationship.
The five year old little girl, became me, Amy Elizabeth Wells: I made a phone call to my Dad, on Feb 6, 2006,( my 43rd birthday). I laid down my right to treat him as if he no longer existed. I told him how much he meant to me. I proceeded to tell him how hard my life had become after he left, but that I wouldn’t change it for the world that he is my dad. He said, “Thank you, and I am sorry.” We talk no less than two times a week since 2006, and as I have gotten to know my dad, what I found out, was that while I was hurt that he left me and didn’t call me for over 30 years, he was plagued with guilt and he was hurt that I had never called him on a father’s day. Together my dad and I learned a new truth, we learned that the word hurt, when not dealt with, becomes a silent bitterness that ends relationships.
Dominic says, “As our past no longer owns us, those around us will be able to attest to our transformation into peace.” My mom says of me, “Amy isn’t easily deceived and hurt by people, who do things and then blame her. She is no longer drawn to those who are so abusive.” My dad said, “You should tell Dominic that this is for families. It heals families and I got my family back! ” My step mom can attest to and I can see my Dad free from the guilt he had carried all those years. I have had 10 family members and many acquaintances take these steps after they saw the new freedom and peace in me. So…..if you ask, how can get a crabby loved one to do this? You do it yourself and they will follow; I can personally attest to the fact that it is easier to lead than to push.
The four simple steps, of admitting, confronting, forgiving and restoring, is a walk into a simple yet life changing journey. The autobiography provides the life story that reveals our painful past. The truth brings forth a freedom from years of bondage as we pour out our pain. When we face the pain, and forgive our offenders and seek forgiveness for our reactions, we rewrite the memory that once controlled us. Only then will we be able to achieve victory.